Look, I think it's something that needs to be addressed. What happens when we start doing business with...aliens? So, how would an alien migration to earth affect education?
I can't think of ANY other problems that we, as a human race, would face if aliens ever began engaging in commerce with us.
Education has always been a valuable resource in our economies and our cultures. But with a new race of beings doing business with us and merging their culture with ours, how shall we manage the adaptation of our culture through education? Well, I plan on making a ton of money starting the University of Extraterrestrial Studies.
Majors include:
Alien History- An immersive look at alien history through time as well as our history with them.
Alien Art- As cultures differ between people groups, we must attempt to understand the ramifications of art in alien culture.
Alien- A look at the alien language. Students will learn to read, write, a and speak the business language of tomorrow.
UFOlogy- With the context of a new alien culture, we take students deeper into the science and mechanics of UFO's and their sightings since the beginning of time.
UFO engineering- Because when someone's got a flat hover disc, someone's got to fix it!
Alien Film and Video Production- Training young filmmakers new ways of representing our world through the technological advances of aliens. (We basically just watch E.T. and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Oh, and Star Wars, Star Trek, with a smidge of Doctor Who.)
And that's just the start! Students will engage in core curriculum such as:
Close Encounters 1-7- A seven class series looking at the different encounters humans can have with aliens.
A Deeper Look at Roswell- We step back into Roswell, New Mexico to take a look at what really happened in the context of today.
Hynek's Scale- An overview of the symptoms of UFO sightings in the past.
and
Alien Racism (E.T., Close Encounters, etc.)
So enroll today at the University of Extraterrestrial Studies and start a journey that will take you Out of this World!
University of Extraterrestrial Studies
Build a Life on Saturn
And Remember,
Now matter how far you go, there are still 26 (extraterrestrial) letters ahead of you.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
The Daily 26 Episode 3: Keeper of Clocks
It is my belief that there are thousands of unsung heroes in the world. Many of which toil endlessly day in and day out but there is one that is particularly close to my heart. Ever hear a chime on a grandfather clock? Ever hear the local clock tower sound the new hour? Well friends, let us all be aware that inside ever chipper, chiming clock, there is a small man.
Yes! Now it can be told! Let it be plastered on old-timey newspapers! Let parents dress there children up like these strangers and send them into the street! Let all men know that behind every chime, there is a human, keeping watch over the clock and tapping the appropriate key every time the hour passes.
I have a personal love of these brave men and women because in my town, there is a clock tower, standing tall and watching over us. But inside that tower is a young man whose name I do not know but whose heart, I can never stop feeling the love of. You see, every hour, our clock tower plays a whole song! And mind you, these songs change from time to time. I attempted to interview this young man about his life as the Clock Man of the town but all I could get as a response was five chimes signaling my undeniable need to eat at five o'clock every night.
Some say you can see him at night at exactly 11:57 p.m. His shadow is cast on the clock face and he looks out on the sleepy city. His eyes run to and fro across town, discouraging criminals from practicing their trade. But exactly 3 minutes later, he vanishes and in his place can be heard the 12 chimes of fate, for the day has ended, yet also just begun.
How might one get the job of Keeper of Clocks? Well, little is known of the profession. From what I've gathered, the Keeper of selected by democratic election. And since politics invades everything, there is indeed a Republican and Democratic parties. I found a file from the early 2000's for my hometown that documented a race. Obadiah Hangersby (R) ran against Thomas Kennings (D). Thomas was running for re-election after the "Secondgate" scandal of 1998 placed him in office after his predecessor was impeached. Thomas' administration was in some turmoil after he repealed the N. L. 21 bill, better known as "The 5 Second Rule." Conservatives were outraged at his decision but since the Number Lords were a majority of Democrats, the repeal process went through. Hangersby's primary platform for the race against Kennings was based around the repealing of that act while most of Kenning's campaign was on Minute Reform. Eventually, Hangersby won and was worried about managing a primarily democratic Number Lord sway but got the 5 second rule reinstated.
The current Keeper of Clocks is unknown but I do know that his party, whatever it is, has a NL majority. Anyway...
So heres to you, my Second Slinger, my Miner of Minutes, my Handler of Hands. I may never know you but may you ever chime on in our hearts.
And remember,
No matter how far you go, there's always 26 (political) letters ahead of you.
Yes! Now it can be told! Let it be plastered on old-timey newspapers! Let parents dress there children up like these strangers and send them into the street! Let all men know that behind every chime, there is a human, keeping watch over the clock and tapping the appropriate key every time the hour passes.
I have a personal love of these brave men and women because in my town, there is a clock tower, standing tall and watching over us. But inside that tower is a young man whose name I do not know but whose heart, I can never stop feeling the love of. You see, every hour, our clock tower plays a whole song! And mind you, these songs change from time to time. I attempted to interview this young man about his life as the Clock Man of the town but all I could get as a response was five chimes signaling my undeniable need to eat at five o'clock every night.
Some say you can see him at night at exactly 11:57 p.m. His shadow is cast on the clock face and he looks out on the sleepy city. His eyes run to and fro across town, discouraging criminals from practicing their trade. But exactly 3 minutes later, he vanishes and in his place can be heard the 12 chimes of fate, for the day has ended, yet also just begun.
How might one get the job of Keeper of Clocks? Well, little is known of the profession. From what I've gathered, the Keeper of selected by democratic election. And since politics invades everything, there is indeed a Republican and Democratic parties. I found a file from the early 2000's for my hometown that documented a race. Obadiah Hangersby (R) ran against Thomas Kennings (D). Thomas was running for re-election after the "Secondgate" scandal of 1998 placed him in office after his predecessor was impeached. Thomas' administration was in some turmoil after he repealed the N. L. 21 bill, better known as "The 5 Second Rule." Conservatives were outraged at his decision but since the Number Lords were a majority of Democrats, the repeal process went through. Hangersby's primary platform for the race against Kennings was based around the repealing of that act while most of Kenning's campaign was on Minute Reform. Eventually, Hangersby won and was worried about managing a primarily democratic Number Lord sway but got the 5 second rule reinstated.
The current Keeper of Clocks is unknown but I do know that his party, whatever it is, has a NL majority. Anyway...
So heres to you, my Second Slinger, my Miner of Minutes, my Handler of Hands. I may never know you but may you ever chime on in our hearts.
And remember,
No matter how far you go, there's always 26 (political) letters ahead of you.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
The Daily 26 Episode 2: The Case for Christmas
November has arrived and here we all are, running from place to place in order to escape the cruel indifference of the cold that plagues us. But November doesn't just mean we suffer until our car's heat begins working and nor does it just mean we curse the name of Jack Frost under our now translucent breath. November is the beginning of what we call the "Holiday Season." And there's nothing like a healthy dose of holiday pedantry to ring in the good times. So now let me utter four syllables that will make some of you jump for joy and some of you bubble with anger akin to a terrifying monster. That's right, Christmas music.
Christmas music is a highly debated topic around this time. And I am here to help guide those who haven't formed an opinion to enlightenment (and grossly misrepresent one side of the argument so you will agree with me in a comedic way). So for those of you who think this is serious, it isn't. To each, his own.
Is Christmas music something that should be relegated to only Black Friday until Christmas? Some would say a very passionate "Yes!" To them, Christmas music is festive music that helps usher in feelings of the Christmas season. Many argue that early music would take our focus off of Thanksgiving and that the music would just get annoying after awhile. I would ask these monsters one question. What should be played before Thanksgiving then? Thanksgiving songs? What Thanksgiving songs are there other than the ones that people twist the words and meaning in order to make it applicable? I'm not aware of any. So to you Christmas reformers and Thanksgiving Liberation Groups, I request this.
1. No love songs outside of the month of February.
2. No Beach Boys outside of June-August.
3. Forget the National Anthem and all other patriotic songs until July.
4. And songs about horror, October only.
5. Oh, and finally, you may only listen to music of the current calendar year.
So if you are to stay consistent, oh Crusaders of Christmas, I hope you abide by these rules while the rest of us enjoy both Thanksgiving AND Christmas, love songs, and pre-2014 hits. Thank you for your time.
And Remember,
No matter how far you go, there's still 26 (pedantic) letters ahead of you.
Christmas music is a highly debated topic around this time. And I am here to help guide those who haven't formed an opinion to enlightenment (and grossly misrepresent one side of the argument so you will agree with me in a comedic way). So for those of you who think this is serious, it isn't. To each, his own.
Is Christmas music something that should be relegated to only Black Friday until Christmas? Some would say a very passionate "Yes!" To them, Christmas music is festive music that helps usher in feelings of the Christmas season. Many argue that early music would take our focus off of Thanksgiving and that the music would just get annoying after awhile. I would ask these monsters one question. What should be played before Thanksgiving then? Thanksgiving songs? What Thanksgiving songs are there other than the ones that people twist the words and meaning in order to make it applicable? I'm not aware of any. So to you Christmas reformers and Thanksgiving Liberation Groups, I request this.
1. No love songs outside of the month of February.
2. No Beach Boys outside of June-August.
3. Forget the National Anthem and all other patriotic songs until July.
4. And songs about horror, October only.
5. Oh, and finally, you may only listen to music of the current calendar year.
So if you are to stay consistent, oh Crusaders of Christmas, I hope you abide by these rules while the rest of us enjoy both Thanksgiving AND Christmas, love songs, and pre-2014 hits. Thank you for your time.
And Remember,
No matter how far you go, there's still 26 (pedantic) letters ahead of you.
Monday, October 20, 2014
The Daily 26 Episode 1: Why Haunted Houses Are (Sometimes) Scary
This past weekend, my good lady friend and I joined another couple in a small outdoor attraction known as "The Forest of Fear." First, I'd like to explore what demon force must possess people to have the absurd desire to go to a place, pay real, actual legal tender, and proceed to walk into a mysterious and sketchy building to get a healthy dose of fear from other humans dressed as terrifying monsters. The very idea is counterproductive. Do we not avoid fear at all costs in daily life? I'd say so. So what status or title among the months does the month of October hold to allow for money to be made on the fight or flight response? I suppose the same title as any other holiday-bearing month does.
What I'm actually trying to propose is that while haunted houses are marginally terrifying, they get old real quick. After the first few jumps and scares, one can easily decipher the trend and in my opinion, there is a formula that almost every haunted attraction follows. And that formula is:
Anticipation + Atmosphere + (Characters + Yelling) = Terror
1. Anticipation
A healthy build-up to a haunted attraction gives the consumer exactly what the attraction wants them to get...an expectation. This starts early in the initial stages of planning. The website of a haunted attraction must have a black background with a moderately scary image. The website, coupled with bone-chilling experiences of friends, is enough to prepare a fear-goer for the final step of anticipation...scaryyyyy.
2. Atmosphere
The entrance to a haunted attraction is key. For example, at the specific attraction I went to, there was about a half-mile of trail through a dark forest lit only by murder lights that would only be seen in a movie around a death warehouse. At the end was a slideshow of pictures with various Halloween themed songs playing. This gave me a sense that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I was horribly wrong. There were buildings...BUILDINGS that we had to enter and walk through, all of which were the worst. People were easily able to hide.
3. Characters
Clowns, doctors, zombies, etc. These are the life blood (no pun intended) of haunted attractions. They basically break interpersonal norms in an attempt to catch you off guard like eye contact, following closely, and throwing heads with rope attached. You know, normal interpersonal skills that everyone should have. But the trump card for every haunted attraction is...children. Go to any Haunted House and expect a room of dolls and children asking you to play. They have "what we call the Chucky advantage in nimbleness and sheer terror inspiration." -John Hodgman on his hit podcast, "Judge John Hodgman."
4. Yelling
It's pretty self-explanatory.
Throw it all together and you've got line of people waiting to give you $15 for twenty minutes of torture! The greatest business model ever.
So, how might one pass unscathed by the woes of the fear? Simple, make fun of it. That's right. Every haunted house has an element of reality. Those people are actors who probably have a day job and probably hate it. They joke around with one another when you're not around. Just the other day, I stopped to tie my show and not ten seconds after we left the small shack we could hear the supposedly dead girl laughing with her captor. One of my favorite lines there was "You're doing a good thing for charity." And they are, but it made them human. Make sarcastic remarks, call them out. "I bet that dead body's gonna jump out at- AHHHH!....called it." And most of all...
Remember,
No matter how far you go, there's still 26 (terrifying) letters ahead of you.
What I'm actually trying to propose is that while haunted houses are marginally terrifying, they get old real quick. After the first few jumps and scares, one can easily decipher the trend and in my opinion, there is a formula that almost every haunted attraction follows. And that formula is:
Anticipation + Atmosphere + (Characters + Yelling) = Terror
1. Anticipation
A healthy build-up to a haunted attraction gives the consumer exactly what the attraction wants them to get...an expectation. This starts early in the initial stages of planning. The website of a haunted attraction must have a black background with a moderately scary image. The website, coupled with bone-chilling experiences of friends, is enough to prepare a fear-goer for the final step of anticipation...scaryyyyy.
2. Atmosphere
The entrance to a haunted attraction is key. For example, at the specific attraction I went to, there was about a half-mile of trail through a dark forest lit only by murder lights that would only be seen in a movie around a death warehouse. At the end was a slideshow of pictures with various Halloween themed songs playing. This gave me a sense that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I was horribly wrong. There were buildings...BUILDINGS that we had to enter and walk through, all of which were the worst. People were easily able to hide.
3. Characters
Clowns, doctors, zombies, etc. These are the life blood (no pun intended) of haunted attractions. They basically break interpersonal norms in an attempt to catch you off guard like eye contact, following closely, and throwing heads with rope attached. You know, normal interpersonal skills that everyone should have. But the trump card for every haunted attraction is...children. Go to any Haunted House and expect a room of dolls and children asking you to play. They have "what we call the Chucky advantage in nimbleness and sheer terror inspiration." -John Hodgman on his hit podcast, "Judge John Hodgman."
4. Yelling
It's pretty self-explanatory.
Throw it all together and you've got line of people waiting to give you $15 for twenty minutes of torture! The greatest business model ever.
So, how might one pass unscathed by the woes of the fear? Simple, make fun of it. That's right. Every haunted house has an element of reality. Those people are actors who probably have a day job and probably hate it. They joke around with one another when you're not around. Just the other day, I stopped to tie my show and not ten seconds after we left the small shack we could hear the supposedly dead girl laughing with her captor. One of my favorite lines there was "You're doing a good thing for charity." And they are, but it made them human. Make sarcastic remarks, call them out. "I bet that dead body's gonna jump out at- AHHHH!....called it." And most of all...
Remember,
No matter how far you go, there's still 26 (terrifying) letters ahead of you.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Pilot
Here I am with twenty-six letters in front of me, each begging to be pushed. 5 (sometimes 6) of them yawn as they are pushed at least every second, while 21 (sometimes 20) yearn for a chance to be pressed. Why, in the last sentence, four have not even been used. I'm sorry 'j,' 'k,' 'q,' and 'z.' You don't deserve such discrimination. I mean, you, Z, are on the very bottom left of the keyboard. (There you go, K.) And Q, how do you manage with A always talking smack about how mush she makes it onto a page. SOMETIMES AS A WHOLE FREAKIN' WORD! Then there's J and K, modestly waiting for a spectacular, juicy word like 'crack,' or 'jaded.'
But I am their master. I control them and put them in various combinations to convey meaning.
Honestly, I'm stalling. I'm not sure what I want to put in this blog. Sometimes I imagine I'm in a movie. The camera would hold a shot of me typing on my computer, cut to the blinking line on the screen, then to my hesitating hands on the keyboard and finally cut back to my face, lit by the cruel indifference of the monitor. Then, another shot of the key board as I...go. My voice reads what I write to the audience as inspiration strikes and it seems as though my ideas can't be stopped. Then, after a few minutes, I sigh, look at my work. Drag my mouse over to "Publish" and click. Then I close my computer and go back to whatever chore I was working on.
I mean Julie did it in that one movie. Why can't I? Oh yeah, I don't have an idea for this blog. So what makes me keep writing? If I'm honest, it's the soft "tap-tap-tap" of the keys as I finish a sentence, the heavy, yet thin sound of the spacebar and finality of the period/greater than symbol key. My fondness for this is similar to that of one who might enjoy the whir of a typewriter.
I want to write comedy. I think comedy is fun and I think I'm good at it. I guess I just enjoy entertaining people and writing seems like the quickest (I got your back, Q) and easiest way of accomplishing such a task. But what to write about? I think to my heroes of comedic writing, begging for an answer. And I think I got it. See you later!
Remember,
No matter how far you go, there's always 26 letters ahead of you.
But I am their master. I control them and put them in various combinations to convey meaning.
Honestly, I'm stalling. I'm not sure what I want to put in this blog. Sometimes I imagine I'm in a movie. The camera would hold a shot of me typing on my computer, cut to the blinking line on the screen, then to my hesitating hands on the keyboard and finally cut back to my face, lit by the cruel indifference of the monitor. Then, another shot of the key board as I...go. My voice reads what I write to the audience as inspiration strikes and it seems as though my ideas can't be stopped. Then, after a few minutes, I sigh, look at my work. Drag my mouse over to "Publish" and click. Then I close my computer and go back to whatever chore I was working on.
I mean Julie did it in that one movie. Why can't I? Oh yeah, I don't have an idea for this blog. So what makes me keep writing? If I'm honest, it's the soft "tap-tap-tap" of the keys as I finish a sentence, the heavy, yet thin sound of the spacebar and finality of the period/greater than symbol key. My fondness for this is similar to that of one who might enjoy the whir of a typewriter.
I want to write comedy. I think comedy is fun and I think I'm good at it. I guess I just enjoy entertaining people and writing seems like the quickest (I got your back, Q) and easiest way of accomplishing such a task. But what to write about? I think to my heroes of comedic writing, begging for an answer. And I think I got it. See you later!
Remember,
No matter how far you go, there's always 26 letters ahead of you.
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